


Yellow

by Cimorene105



Series: Thank God for PR [10]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, BDSM, Dom Bucky Barnes, Dom Drop, Feels, Fluff, Kink Exploration, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sub Steve Rogers, Switch Bucky Barnes, Whipping, switch steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cimorene105/pseuds/Cimorene105
Summary: Steve and Bucky experience their first scene. It doesn't go perfectly, but life isn't always perfect. The things that go wrong and then get better are what make life beautiful.





	Yellow

As soon as Steve felt well enough after his emotional collapse, he and Bucky started their research on BDSM and had fallen asleep looking at websites. Once they were up on the terms and had gone through a checklist for determining their kinks, they'd agreed to start with just a little and try different things occasionally.

They hadn't moved from the bed except to eat, so it was easy for Bucky to pin Steve under him, both of them naked. Today was a good day.

There was a little playful wrestling before Bucky turned serious.

"I have some questions for you. I want you to answer them short and sweet, or say 'Yes, Bucky' or 'No, Bucky.' What is my favorite thing in the world, babydoll?"

What was this, a pop relationship quiz? How was Steve supposed to know that? Sure, they went back ninety years, but they didn't share everything with each other. Bucky would probably never know that Steve's favorite thing in the world was Bucky's enthusiasm - whether he was laughing, working, or teasing.

"Science?" Steve hazarded a guess.

"Try again, Stevie."

What else did Bucky like?

"Sleep?" Steve was sure that wasn't it, but he had to check anyway.

"Nope."

"...cat memes?"

Bucky laughed, showing off Steve's favorite thing just for him. "I like cat memes a lot, but not that much. I'll give you a hint. You're not the biggest fan of my favorite thing. I often tell you to just let me enjoy it."

Steve had a sinking feeling about this. "Is it me?" His voice was tiny. His heart beat loudly behind his ribcage.

"That's closer, baby. Real close. It's something about you." It broke Bucky's heart to hear the love of his life admit he wasn't the biggest fan of himself. Steve didn't know how wonderful he was.

"Taking care of me," Steve answered sheepishly but firmly after thinking for a long moment. He hoped he was wrong, but there was almost a zero percent chance of that. Bucky told Steve at least once a day, "Let me take care of you."

"Yes, it is. Are you going to deprive me of my favorite thing in the world while we have sex or do a scene?"

Steve let himself go boneless as he resigned himself to the fact that Bucky's favorite thing in the world was something Steve felt he didn't deserve. "No, Bucky."

"Thank you, Stevie. I know it's tough for you to remember that. Do I give you what you need if you let me have control?"

"Yes, Bucky."

"Do you get what you need if you try to take it for yourself?" Bucky challenged him.

"No, Bucky," Steve sighed.

"No, you don't, do you? You struggle to let go and relax when things aren't as fast or as rough as you want. You try to force your way to submission. It doesn't work out well that way, does it?"

"No, Bucky."

"I will always take care of that when you want it. It takes a gradual process to get to sub space. It's hard for you to go with the flow of that process, but you need to let go of control so I can do that. Can you try that for me?"

"Yes, Bucky." Steve could try. He would.

"Do you want me to hurt you?"

"Yes, Bucky." It got easier to say, the more practice he had, but Steve still struggled to get the words out around his wide grin.

"Good job, babydoll. I know that's still hard to say. Good job. You told me what you need. Am I going to give it to you?"

"Yes, Bucky."

"That's right. I'm going to hurt you when you ask for it. Does that mean I'm going to play mind games with you or do long-lasting harm to you?"

"No, never, Bucky."

"That's right babydoll, because what's my favorite thing in the world?"

"Taking care of me." Steve was starting to get it, now. Bucky loved him too much to not show it every day, in the ways it was easiest for him.

"Absolutely. Let's try to implement a system for how much I'll hurt you when you ask for it. It won't be easy at first, especially since we haven't done this at all yet. I hope it'll get easier to use over time. You know that one-to-ten pain scale at the doctor's office?"

"Yes, Bucky."

"I want you to tell me what number you need to hurt. Like I said, I don't expect that to be an easy scale to use right away. They also have a hard time using that at the doctor's office, so they have facial expressions to go with each number."

Steve was in awe of Bucky's genius.

"I thought that might help, too, so I printed some different versions from the internet." Bucky reached over and got a sheet of paper from the night stand. Steve had been wondering why that was there.

"First, I want you to use this to tell me where you are in your head, Stevie. That's different from how much pain you need. I want you to think about how much your thoughts are hurting you today. Can you try to tell me that?"

Steve looked a little unsure.

"Take your time and don't worry too much about being wrong or not being able to do it well. I don't expect that. I just want you to try and think about it a bit." Bucky held up the sheet for Steve to look through the charts.

They were all a little different. Steve wasn't sure how lost he was in his thoughts, and that didn't help, either. He was doing better than yesterday, when he'd had that attack. Maybe an attack was a ten? How much did he want to hurt? Surely that had something to do with it. If his instinct was to ask for a ten in pain, maybe his thoughts were hurting him at an eight? In that case, what did he feel like asking for?

Bucky could see the wheels turning in Steve's head, which was exactly what he wanted. Steve was processing some of his mental pain this way. This system might even help them to check in with each other outside of scenes, too.

"Maybe I'm at a five today? That might be a little high."

"Good job. Thank you for thinking about it. It's okay if that's not perfectly right. Like I said, I just want you to start thinking about it." Bucky decided to tell Steve his most recent brainwave.

"Try to think about that whenever you can, and you can tell me a number whenever you feel like it. If you need to tell me while there are other people around, that would be a good secret code. If it's a high number you want to tell me about, I'll find a private moment to ask what you need. If it's a low number, feel free to share it with me so we can both feel good about it."

Steve smiled. "I like that."

"Good. I have a limit for today. I can't give you pain over a five on _this_ scale or a six on _this_ scale. I would feel really comfortable with a four on _this_ scale _._ That's my limit of pain to give today because this is new, but I'm pretty confident I can try it. I think I'm at a two, mentally."

Steve's eyes sparkled with happiness. "I'm glad to hear it. You deserve happiness, Buck."

Bucky grinned at Steve. "Yeah, I think I believe that today. And you do, too, punk. No arguments. I know you're at a five, but what's my favorite thing again?"

Steve sighed the wind out of his sails. "Taking care of me."

"Right. Now, I want you to think carefully about the level of pain you want, Stevie. I don't want you to feel guilty about asking for more than I can give you, but I don't want you to disregard it altogether. Again, this might be difficult to gauge. Take your time."

It was definitely difficult to gauge. Steve wanted to ask for a ten without thinking. He wanted Bucky to rip him a raw one, something to feel for the next week. If he could feel it all week, he could remember it meant Bucky wanted to do this for him so he would stop risking his life. It would be a constant happy bubble in Steve's so often negative mind.

Maybe he could feel it during the week without getting all the pain at once, it occurred to him. Maybe Bucky would hurt him again tomorrow or in the next few days. That was a new and exciting thought, one Steve could never have imagined he would someday have.

Maybe Steve didn't need a ten.

"Maybe I don't need a ten," he admitted shyly. He briefly met Bucky's eyes before focusing once more on the charts. "This won't be the only time, right? You'll hurt me again if I ask?"

This time Steve couldn't look at Bucky's face. He was pretty confident of the answer, but there was always the small possibility of a no.

"Yes, Stevie." Bucky was so proud of Steve for asking. "This is just another way to take care of you. It won't ever threaten your life. It won't ever be out of hate. This will never be torture. It will always be a compromise between what you want and what I can give you."

"I'll let you stop at your limit, then, Bucky, but I want everything you can do." Steve mustered the confidence to make eye contact for longer. He wanted to communicate that he was sane, making a consensual choice to receive a beating in the safety of their bond.

"Thank you for doing this with me and for letting me do only what I'm comfortable with. I know you want more. I really appreciate this, Steve." Bucky flopped down onto Steve in gratitude. He didn't know what he'd have said if Steve were to genuinely ask for an eight or even a seven. Six would push his limits - but he would go there, for Steve.

"I'm telling myself it won't fade too much before next time," Steve confessed.

Bucky grinned and picked himself back up. "Oh, it won't. I have plans. There are a lot of pain avenues to explore with you, Stevie. Impact play alone has so many options. We're going to have you black, blue, red - and even bleeding - constantly for the next few months."

Steve grinned back. "Is it weird that makes me happy?"

"Is it weird it makes me proud?"

Steve shrugged. "Let's get weird."

"First things first. We've never done a real scene before, so it's not gonna be super submerged. We'll probably giggle a lot. That's fine. I don't want you to feel like you have to be turned on. That's not what this is about. We can do that later, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

Bucky got up and rummaged in his bag. "Turn over."

Steve obliged in a second flat.

"What's your safeword, Steve?"

"Schwarma."

"Thank you. What's the stoplight system for?"

"Green means good, yellow means wait and check in, and red means stop, like the safeword."

"What does it mean that you have a safeword and the color system?"

"You won't stop if I say 'stop' or 'no.'"

"When will I stop in the middle of a scene?"

"If I say 'schwarma' or 'red.'"

"So, what do you have to say for me to stop?"

"'Schwarma' or 'red.'"

"That's the goal. If I think you've said 'stop' too many times to be unintentional, what am I going to do?"

"Treat it like a yellow."

"Why am I not doing the same for 'no?'"

"Because I'm a whiny baby when you take care of me," Steve mumbled. He really was. Steve could remember times when Bucky had to force feed him medicine because he wouldn't take it himself.

"Good job," said Bucky's voice from much closer. "Just one more question, Stevie: Do you want to be my girl right now, babydoll?" Bucky asked it next to Steve's ear. Steve could feel the other man's breath warm him for a moment. He shivered.

"I - I don't know."

"Okay. We'll save it for another time. And you can let me know if you change your mind. It's always whatever you want, Steve." Bucky kissed behind Steve's ear.

The heat from Bucky's body was gone as quickly as it appeared. After a few moments of silence, Steve heard a crack ring through the air. He turned his head in curiosity.

"Don't look at me, Steve. If you have to face this way, close your eyes."

Steve let his eyelids fall.

Bucky let the first blow fall.

Pain radiated from a long line on Steve's back.

Another moment passed.

Another line of intensity appeared on Steve's back.

"Looks good, Steve." Another crack.

"You're doing well." Another.

Steve lost count of the mysterious blows that landed on his back. They traveled the length of his bare skin, but were extremely thin. Steve had a couple guesses as to the item's identity. If it was any of them, Steve would be impressed with Bucky's skill. Each application was precise and even.

The strikes landed light enough that Bucky could build them up for a long time, an unusual technique for his tool, but then, he was an unusual person. He was uniquely equipped to slowly tear apart Steve's enhanced, resilient back.

"Steve," crack, "do you like this?"

"Yes!"

"Do you want it?"

"Yes!"

"Do you need it?"

"Yes, Bucky! Please give it to me!"

"Tell me a color," Bucky demanded with his next blow.

"GREEN!"

Bucky rained down a flurry of strikes on Steve's back. The blond cried out from the prolonged burst of pain.

It stopped after a moment and Steve could hear them both panting over the staccato of his thumping heart.

"Yellow," Bucky whispered. He crawled up next to Steve and kissed his cheek. "Open your eyes, Stevie. How are you doing?"

Steve forced his eyes open. He hadn't realized they were shut so tightly. "I'm good, Buck." Steve didn't like the expression on Bucky's face. "How are you doing? Do we need to red for you?"

Bucky closed his own eyes and shook his head. "I just need a minute."

A minute turned into two, then three. Steve's back protested when he moved to engulf the clearly struggling man in an embrace. Bucky vibrated slightly in Steve's arms.

Steve kissed the top of his head. "Red," he very quietly invoked the color. "You're allowed to not be okay, at any point. I'm proud of you for saying yellow. Do you remember what we found online about Dom drop?"

Bucky nodded. That was why he felt so awful. He was experiencing Dom drop, a chemical shift in his emotions because something in the scene didn't sit well with him. Bucky was glad Steve didn't have sub drop at the same time; they were always useless to each other when they both suffered.

"You did a good job, Bucky," Steve consoled him. "Really. I feel great. You took care of me really well. You asked me all along the way how I was doing. Was it more intense than you expected?"

Bucky shuddered as he nodded again.

"I'm so proud of you. You did real good by me and you used the colors at the right time. It's okay for you to stop before you push yourself. You were trying to push yourself for me, weren't you, Buck?" Steve rubbed Bucky's back as the brunet answered with another shaky nod.

"When I shouted, did that surprise you in a bad way?"

After a long enough time that Steve thought Bucky wouldn't respond, he heard a quiet, "I knew you were going to, but I didn't expect to hate hearing it so much."

Steve was taken aback by this. Bucky hated him shouting out in pain so much it had pushed the brunet into a sudden drop. Steve didn't know what to say, so he just kept rubbing Bucky's back and holding him close.

"It's not your fault, Steve. It just caught me off-guard."

"I know. I can't think how to make it better for you. It's gonna happen again, I'm sure. And I know you won't like the idea of a gag for this, either."

"That would be correct," Bucky wryly confirmed. He couldn't imagine going back to hurting Steve at all right now - much less hurting him while the man couldn't say a goddamn thing about it.

"Well, we're done with that for today. I really want you to know I liked it. It makes me happy, Buck. Every time I move, the reminder will make me smile. I won't need to go looking for it in the wrong place, like on a mission. Thank you so much for giving that to me. You took such good care of me." Steve didn't mind repeating himself and baring his soul a little; Bucky needed to hear that he did a good job, especially since he didn't believe it right now.

Bucky's soft sigh of, "Okay," convinced Steve that the man was beginning to settle down. Steve reflected on how much he was loved while he watched Bucky slip off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> [My YouTube Channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnTcO921RLNZVxTYOWVq5Lg)  
>  Lookie what I did!


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